The Crypto Crater: Sol 825 on Mars
The water recycling tanks of Colony Delta-9 reek of ammonia and broken dreams. Green bio-slime clings to every surface, pulsing with bacterial life that’s more productive than the two men scraping it. The Classification Board above the entrance reads: “RESOURCE NEGATIVE PERSONNEL - MANUAL LABOR ASSIGNMENT - PUBLIC LIVESTREAM ACTIVE”
Caspar and Ahmad, once kings of different digital kingdoms, now wear identical brown maintenance suits marked “RN-001” and “RN-002”—Resource Negative, the lowest social classification on Mars.
Caspar: (scraping slime with a metal tool) “Twenty-two hours. That’s how long my ‘Mars Mineral Futures’ token lasted before the colony’s blockchain auditor flagged it as fraud.”
Ahmad: (struggling with his scraper, GPU-soft hands already blistered) “At least you launched something. My forty-seven kilowatt GPU farm melted the power grid before I could mine a single MarsCoins.”
Caspar: “MarsCoins? Those were delisted six months ago. The colony switched to resource credits tied to actual oxygen production.”
Ahmad: “I was going to fork it. ‘MarsCoinsV2: The Democratic Revolution.’”
The bio-slime makes a wet sucking sound as Caspar pulls a particularly large chunk from the intake valve. The livestream camera above them adjusts focus, ensuring the colony can watch their humiliation in 4K.
Caspar: “Democratic. Right. Like your GPU purchasing collective? How many colonists did you convince to pool their credits?”
Ahmad: (defensive) “Thirty-seven. It was a solid investment thesis. AGI is coming in eighteen months.”
Caspar: “AGI is coming? Brother, we’re literally scooping shit. By hand. While robots watch us for entertainment.”
The Public Address system crackles to life:
COLONY AI: Resource Negative Personnel reminder: Bio-slime extraction quota is 15 kilograms per shift. Current progress - Caspar: 3.7kg, Ahmad: 1.2kg. Performance below threshold will extend Resource Negative status.
Ahmad: “One point two? This scraper is defective!”
Caspar: “The scraper is fine. Your hands are defective. When was the last time you held something that wasn’t a keyboard?”
Ahmad examines his palms—soft, pale, already developing infected blisters from the maintenance work.
Ahmad: “On Earth, I had seventeen million in portfolio value.”
Caspar: “Paper gains.”
Ahmad: “Backed by real projects!”
Caspar: “Name one.”
Ahmad: (pausing) “SafeMoonMars. Revolutionary tokenomics.”
Caspar: (laughing bitterly) “I rugpulled SafeMoonMars. Twice.”
Ahmad: “That was you?”
Caspar: “Both times. The community kept buying back in. ‘Diamond hands to Mars!’ They literally funded my ticket here.”
They scrape in silence for a moment, the bio-slime squelching between their fingers. The livestream chat overlays appear on a nearby screen—colonists placing bets on who will vomit first.
Ahmad: “My followers think I’m building the future. ‘Ahmed’s AGI Fortress.’ They’re still buying my course.”
Caspar: “Your course is still selling?”
Ahmad: “Auto-renewal. $297 monthly. ‘Prepare for the Singularity with Strategic GPU Investment.’”
Caspar: “From the man currently classified as Resource Negative.”
Ahmad: “They don’t know that.”
Caspar: “The colony livestreams this. Twenty-four seven. Earth can watch you scraping shit in real-time.”
Ahmad: (freezing) “What?”
Caspar points to the classification board, which displays their photos, their negative resource balance, and a QR code labeled “Watch Live.”
Caspar: “We’re educational content. ‘The Consequences of Fraudulent Resource Allocation.’ Kids watch us during economics class.”
Ahmad drops his scraper. It clangs against the metal grating.
Ahmad: “My brand…”
Caspar: “What brand? We’re object lessons. Living warnings.”
The bio-slime tank gurbles, releasing a pocket of methane. Both men gag.
Caspar: (recovering) “Know what’s funny? This slime actually produces value. Breaks down waste, creates methane for fuel, feeds the algae farms. It’s more productive than our entire crypto ecosystem.”
Ahmad: “Blockchain was revolutionary—”
Caspar: “Blockchain is revolutionary. Our shit wasn’t blockchain. It was MySQL databases with extra steps and marketing copy.”
Ahmad: “I had whitepapers!”
Caspar: “I wrote seventeen whitepapers. Used the same template. Changed the token name and the logo. Nobody ever read past page three.”
Ahmad retrieves his scraper, returns to working. His blisters pop, mixing blood with the green slime.
Ahmad: “The fourteen-minute delay killed everything. Can’t front-run markets. Can’t coordinate pumps. Can’t even panic sell properly.”
Caspar: “The delay exposed everything. By the time our ‘insider information’ reached Earth, it was historical data. The bots had already moved.”
Ahmad: “I lost everything in ninety seconds. Ninety seconds after clicking ‘buy.’”
Caspar: “I lost twenty colonists’ life savings. They pooled everything for my ‘guaranteed arbitrage.’ Now they spit when they see me.”
The Colony AI interrupts again:
COLONY AI: Economic Education Alert: Resource Negative Personnel #001 and #002 are discussing their fraudulent schemes. Recording for tonight's 'Financial Literacy Hour.' Thank you for your involuntary contribution.
Ahmad: “Involuntary contribution?”
Caspar: “We’re the curriculum. Living examples of what not to do.”
Ahmad starts scraping faster, anger driving his movements.
Ahmad: “On Earth, I was invited to conferences. Premium panels. ‘The Future of Distributed Computing.’”
Caspar: “On Earth, I had a yacht. Well, a timeshare on a yacht. Actually, I had photos on a yacht.”
Ahmad: “The yacht from the Miami crypto conference?”
Caspar: “You were there?”
Ahmad: “Everyone was there. Same yacht. Same photos. Different days.”
They both laugh—a broken sound that echoes off the tank walls.
Caspar: “We all used the same yacht.”
Ahmad: “The same fake Rolexes.”
Caspar: “The same LinkedIn titles. ‘CEO/Founder/Visionary.’”
Ahmad: “The same everything.”
The bio-slime continues its patient work, breaking down waste into useful components. Unlike their tokens, it actually serves a purpose.
Caspar: (quietly) “How long are you Resource Negative?”
Ahmad: “Six months minimum. Depends on my slime quota. You?”
Caspar: “Eight months. The colony valued the damage from the pooled credits higher.”
Ahmad: “Then what?”
Caspar: “Standard labor assignment. Terraforming. Real rocks, real work.”
Ahmad: “No more GPUs?”
Caspar: “No more anything electronic. Manual labor only until I’ve produced actual value equal to what I destroyed.”
The livestream camera zooms in as Ahmad’s infected blister bursts again, pus mixing with the green biological mass.
Ahmad: “I had ten backup plans. Contingencies. Pivot strategies.”
Caspar: “Mars doesn’t care about pivots. It wants oxygen, water, food. Real things.”
Ahmad: “But when AGI comes—”
Caspar: “Stop. Just stop. AGI isn’t coming to save us. We’re scraping shit because we believed our own lies.”
Ahmad continues scraping, his movements mechanical now.
Ahmad: “The worst part? I still check the markets. Earth markets. Fourteen minutes delayed. Watching numbers I can’t touch, trades I can’t make, opportunities I can’t take.”
Caspar: “That’s not the worst part.”
Ahmad: “No?”
Caspar: “The worst part is this slime is actually valuable. It processes waste into resources. We spent years processing resources into waste.”
The quota board updates: Caspar - 7.2kg, Ahmad - 3.8kg
Caspar: “Four more hours of this.”
Ahmad: “Then tomorrow.”
Caspar: “And tomorrow.”
Ahmad: “And tomorrow.”
They scrape in rhythm now, two former crypto kings reduced to the most fundamental exchange: labor for survival. The bio-slime doesn’t care about their whitepapers, their GPU theories, their revolutionary tokenomics. It just needs to be harvested, processed, and put to actual use.
Above them, the livestream continues, broadcasting their descent from digital emperors to Resource Negative waste processors. Educational content for a colony learning that on Mars, only real value matters.
The Influencer Apocalypse Series¶
Next Episode: The Cafeteria Confessional - Where all the failed influencers converge for mandatory colony dinner, their frauds displayed on the public dashboard while they eat identical protein cubes and watch their Earth followers abandon them in real-time.
Full Series:¶
- The Wellness Wing Meltdown
- The Alpha Lounge Catastrophe
- The Content Creator Commons
- The Crypto Crater (Current Episode)
- The Cafeteria Confessional
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